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Its Chili Season, Looking For Recipe Suggestions


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#81 Murph

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Posted 08 January 2019 - 0612 AM

How some feel about "sissy-ifed chili", me, I am not that hard core.  

 

"TEXAS CHILI COOKOFF" 
  
(If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!   *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!  For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.  It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. 
  
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named "FRANK", who was 
visiting Texas from the East Coast: 
  
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili 
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened 
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the 
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two 
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, 
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I 
accepted." 
  
Here are the scorecards from the event: 
  
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili: 
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. 
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. 
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could 
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the 
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. 
  
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili 
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. 
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken 
seriously. 
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what 
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who 
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer 
when they saw the look on my face. 
  
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili 
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. 
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. 
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels 
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get 
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my 
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from 
all of the beer. 
  
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic 
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. 
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or 
other mild foods, not much of a chili. 
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable 
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, 
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is 
starting to look HOT ... . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is 
chili an aphrodisiac? 
  
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover 
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding 
considerable kick. Very impressive. 
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must 
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. 
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I 
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed 
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her 
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by 
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my 
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop 
screaming. Screw those rednecks! 
  
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety 
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of 
spices and peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and 
garlic. Superb! 
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat 
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that 
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips 
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. 
  
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili 
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of 
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried 
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing 
uncontrollably. 
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I 
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds 
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which 
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to 
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed 
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not 
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through 
the 4-inch hole in my stomach. 
  
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili 
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too 
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild 
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed 
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure 
if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to 
really hot chili? 


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#82 Murph

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Posted 08 January 2019 - 0613 AM

Chili Joke:  

 

 
"TEXAS CHILI COOKOFF" 
  
(If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!   *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!  For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.  It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. 
  
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named "FRANK", who was 
visiting Texas from the East Coast: 
  
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili 
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened 
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the 
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two 
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, 
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I 
accepted." 
  
Here are the scorecards from the event: 
  
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili: 
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. 
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. 
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could 
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the 
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. 
  
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili 
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. 
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken 
seriously. 
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what 
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who 
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer 
when they saw the look on my face. 
  
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili 
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. 
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. 
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels 
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get 
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my 
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from 
all of the beer. 
  
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic 
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. 
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or 
other mild foods, not much of a chili. 
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable 
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, 
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is 
starting to look HOT ... . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is 
chili an aphrodisiac? 
  
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover 
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding 
considerable kick. Very impressive. 
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must 
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. 
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I 
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed 
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her 
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by 
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my 
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop 
screaming. Screw those rednecks! 
  
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety 
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of 
spices and peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and 
garlic. Superb! 
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat 
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that 
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips 
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. 
  
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili 
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of 
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried 
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing 
uncontrollably. 
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I 
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds 
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which 
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to 
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed 
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not 
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through 
the 4-inch hole in my stomach. 
  
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili 
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too 
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild 
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed 
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure 
if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to 
really hot chili? 

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#83 Mr King

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Posted 27 January 2019 - 1124 AM

Making a batch of chili today. This has ground beef with a high fat content, and I added about 4 pounds more than usual. No beans this time. House smells great. Going to be very spicy and greasy. I special order my extra hot red pepper powder from a bulk spice shop in St Louis, Missouri at the Soulard Farmers Market.  The stuff packs a real punch. When I put it on a pork chop or burger I am frying, and it hits the hot pan, it is like pepper spray went off in my kitchen.  They sell coffee and teas too. You can find their website here 

 

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