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Sexless Marriage

Sexless marriage

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#1 DougRichards

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 0424 AM

A basic question:  well maybe not so basic in the christian / judeo (even perhaps Islamic) context:

 

What is the situation when a wife decides that in connection with  her husband, ,maybe a loving man, a giving man, of years, perhaps decades, of devotion, that she decides to shut up shop.  To declare that sex is off the menu?  To decide the then marital contract no longer applied to her, to to put limits on what may happen between them?

 

We in Australia have a situation where a prominent politician has inseminated a younger staffer (17 years younger) and she is carrying his child (perhaps).

 

It has been alleged that this politician had been in a sexless marriage for some time.  Where his 'wife' (surely wife being defined as not just the legal definition but a social construct - where a wife and husband have social obligations to each other) has closed her legs and decided that she has had enough. 

 

Yes, there are many sexless marriages in western culture - up to 25% - so are the old rules about faithfulness still applicable?

 

What are limits of fidelity in the context of physical loneliness / marital denial?


Edited by DougRichards, 18 March 2018 - 0425 AM.

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#2 RETAC21

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 0427 AM

Sex is part of a total package, if that fails then what other things are failing? at that point is better to call it quits.


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#3 DB

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 0538 AM

And then you have "for better or worse".


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#4 Sardaukar

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 0753 AM

Oh...sometimes your marriage become "sexless one" :D

 

As a concept...no damn way. 


Edited by Sardaukar, 18 March 2018 - 0754 AM.

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#5 GARGEAN

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 0800 AM

As for me - any sexual connections outside your current permament couple(marriage, just lovers ect.) is an absolute no-go. ABSOLUTE. No exceptions or excuses. If you really need to fuck someone else - you end your relations first. If you caught your couple on that - no excuses and forgiving. This is the end.
Maybe that's a bit outdated by today standarts, but that's how things are for me.
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#6 Ivanhoe

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 0914 AM

Judeo-Christian and/or medieval romantic notions to the contrary, sex has always been about power*. If it stops happening, it probably isn't about sex. Which means it can't be fixed with sex. The politician's wife most likely has been banging her side piece, very possibly from before the marriage, and the drought is her way of asserting her power in the relationship in response to his career success and apparent access to more desirable women. 

 

As for what the rules are, or should be, Gargean put it well. Either fix the problem, or move on. Human nature is to be selfish and to rationalize unethical decisions, but human nature sans intellect, introspection, and self-discipline results in corpses with bashed-in skulls being thrown into peat bogs.

 

* Though one can certainly opine that the Judeo-Christian rules were developed specifically to address the sex-as-power thing, in order to prevent the usual bloodbath in barbarian tribes.


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#7 TTK Ciar

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 1538 PM

Sex between two consenting adults is sex. When one side ceases to consent, it's rape, whether the participants are married or not.

If a wife chooses not to have sex, that's her prerogative, and her husband's only moral choice is to respect her decision. Talking about it is good (and may lead to changes for the better), as long as it's a respectful discussion and not coercion.

As for sex outside of wedlock, IMO that's contextual and complicated. Going behind your spouse's back and getting some side action on the sly is a violation of the trust fundamental to marriage. Talking about it with one's partner and coming to a mutually agreeable compromise is better.

This being California, I have friends in various degrees of "open" marriages, from full-on polyamory to a simple standing agreement to discuss it before doing anything (which might never happen). Whatever works for both of you (and I mean really works), it's better than deceitful infidelity.

And of course I have friends in strictly monogamous relationships, and that works well for them. It certainly keeps the politics of the relationship simpler and minimizes the risks of hurting someone.

For a politician, though, some of these choices are career-limiting. While they might be happier in an open relationship, there are a lot of citizens out there who take a dim view of such things and will hold it against them come election time.

A politician who has committed deceitful infidelity, as you have described, has made the worst of all decisions. He's hurt his spouse, he's pissed off constituents who value monogamy, and he's pissed off constituents who value honesty.

The fact that his wife decided to stop putting out is beside the issue, except inasmuch that a politician desperate to salvage his career might spin it as a justification.

Edited by TTK Ciar, 18 March 2018 - 1538 PM.

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#8 Burncycle360

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 2110 PM

Sex isn't the only part of marriage (and it shouldn't be), but it's a part of it since it's a commitment not to partake in such activities with anyone else.  So if either party is no longer interested and you can't come to some sort of peace, then respect that, divorce, and move on since at this point you're friends / roommates.    No sense in some sort of growing resentment or animosity because the two people involved aren't on the same page, and this gives both sides the opportunity to find someone who is on the same page so they can be happy. YOLO and all.

Only reason for marriage these days is tax breaks anyway -- a monogamous relationship is a monogamous relationship marriage or not.


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#9 DougRichards

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 0453 AM

Then looking at an old Christian viewpoint on marriage - going back some time:

 

One Corinthians chapter 7

 

 

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

 

Should the wife (or husband if the situation is reversed) be guiltless if she (he) deprives their partner of God's gift of sexual satisfaction and the partner strays?  Have we strayed so far from the idea of marriage, when it was the one place that people could sinlessly enjoy sex, to where it is now: almost an aberration amongst non believers and a place, in marriage, where one partner or the other can claim the moral high ground by denying their partners? 

 

I am not advocating marital rape, but perhaps proposing a society that says to both partners that the bean jar principle is the road to perdition.  Where couple who want to get married are told before they tie the knot that within a certain number of years it is highly unlikely that you will be having sex (at least between the two of you).  To give one or other the chance to recognise that marriage is not a bed or roses, or of passion.

 

There is an old joke: "Why do condoms come in packs of twelve?"

 

That is a month's supply for a single man:  Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday,

 

and a year's supply for a married man:

 

January, February, March, April.........    (if he is lucky)

 

perhaps we need a new development from 'big pharm', instead of some version of viagra or cialis, a tablet that men can take, from the first few days of marital 'bliss', that will reduce their libido to negotiable levels:, thus satisfying those feminists who, in accord with their suffragette sisters, consider the aim of feminism as the "Votes for women and chastity for men"

 

Yes, that is the idea.


Edited by DougRichards, 19 March 2018 - 0527 AM.

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#10 DB

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 0548 AM

Sex as obligation seems to me to be sex without fun for someone.

Is marriage a business transaction, with a penalty clause under the paragraph for sex?

I find tgat I am more in accord with our Libertarian than I am with your bible interpretation.
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#11 DougRichards

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 0600 AM

Sex as obligation seems to me to be sex without fun for someone.

Is marriage a business transaction, with a penalty clause under the paragraph for sex?

I find tgat I am more in accord with our Libertarian than I am with your bible interpretation.

 

Fair enough: then maybe people should be informed before marriage that sex is not part of the deal and  (Dantes Divine Comedy):

 

Through me you pass into the city of woe:
Through me you pass into eternal pain:
Through me among the people lost for aye.

Justice the founder of my fabric mov'd:
To rear me was the task of power divine,
Supremest wisdom, and primeval love.

Before me things create were none, save things
Eternal, and eternal I endure.
All hope abandon ye who enter here.

Such characters in colour dim I mark'd
Over a portal's lofty arch inscrib'd:
Whereat I thus: Master, these words import.

 

 

 

At least warn people of the misery that will befall them.


Edited by DougRichards, 19 March 2018 - 0601 AM.

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#12 DB

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 0628 AM

As I mentioned before, I believe the vows already include the necessary caveats.

A quick review shows some variance between sects, but none of them mention sex, unless you believe that "love" is used in that context.

Are you looking for something to justify some pissible behaviour of your own, whether planned or executed? If so, I suggest thst TN may not be the best substitute for a conscience, or a confessional.
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#13 Sardaukar

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 0658 AM

Sex is not obligatory....but lack of it means lack of interest, love and desire. That usually means end of relationship.


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#14 Chris Werb

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 1816 PM

Menopause can turn off a woman's physical capability and interest like turning off a light.


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#15 DougRichards

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 0227 AM

Menopause can turn off a woman's physical capability and interest like turning off a light.

 

So can wedding cake


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#16 DKTanker

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 0825 AM

Menopause can turn off a woman's physical capability and interest like turning off a light.

Word


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#17 Gregory

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 1016 AM

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/

 


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#18 Chris Werb

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 1713 PM

 

Menopause can turn off a woman's physical capability and interest like turning off a light.

 

So can wedding cake

 

 

LOL!!!! :)


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