Posted 28 December 2004 - 1016 AM
George Bush’s Answer
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
John Kerry’s Answer
While serving in Vietnam, I was in favor of the chicken crossing the road. Then later I realized that there were those who needed the chicken on this side of the road. Now I would like to see the chicken on the other side of the road, unless of course it would be better served to be on this side of the road. Ideally, I think the chicken should be in the middle of the road.
Bill Clinton’s Answer
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
Bill Gates’ Answer
I have just released eChicken 2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Martha Stewart’s Answer
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer’s market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Dr. Seuss’ Answer
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
Ernest Hemingway’s Answer
To die. In the rain. Alone.
Martin Luther King Jr.’s Answer
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Barbara Walters’ Answer
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
Ralph Nader’s Answer
The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas guzzling SUV.
Jerry Seinfield’s Answer
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?”
Pat Buchanan’s Answer
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Jerry Falwell’s Answer
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what they call it — the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ”the other side.”
John Lennon’s Answer
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Saddam Hussein’s Answer
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Captain Kirk’s Answer
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Albert Einstein’s Answer
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Sigmund Freud’s Answer
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Give us ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.
Richard Nixon’s Answer
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Joseph Stalin’s Answer
I don’t care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
Louis Farrakhan’s Answer
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the ”black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.
The Pope’s Answer
That is only for God to know.
Emily Dickensen’s Answer
Because it could not stop for death.
O.J. Simpson’s Answer
It didn’t. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Posted 23 January 2005 - 1448 PM
taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named William
Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea
for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started
on about, What time of night do you call this? Where have you been? and on
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the
wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay
of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented
a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's
rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud,
Woman, don't you ever stop"!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted 12 March 2005 - 0731 AM
On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked out several of his teeth.
On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Armybarber sheared his head.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.
The Army is still looking for him.
Posted 18 March 2005 - 1408 PM
Rosevelt is being briefed by the his advisors.
- Anything happened today worth mentioning?
- Well, we can say. Hungary declared war on us.
- Hungary... This small European country, is this a republic?
- No it is a kingdom.
- And who is the king?
- Errr... The head of state is a retired Rear Admiral, Miklós Horthy.
- Admiral? So we must be worried about the Hungarian Fleet.
- Not really. Hungary is, fortunately landlocked, so they have no fleet whatsoever.
- Landlocked? Does Hungary have any disputes with its neighbors?
- They have territorial claims on Slovakia and Romania.
- So Hungary is an enemy of Slovakia and Romania.
- No, Hungary is allied with them.
Posted 18 March 2005 - 1502 PM
are youse all right in the back there lads.
Posted 18 March 2005 - 1858 PM
Snort. Guffaw. Choke.
My brother and I were having a beer, the other day. He looked at me and said. "I'm going to buy a strobe light for my bedroom."
"Is that so?" I answered.
He replied. "Yeah. That way, the next time I'm making love to the wife, it'll look like she's actually moving!"
Posted 18 March 2005 - 1925 PM
Snort. Guffaw. Choke.
Found under the customer reviews on that very site:
Adam G., 48 (San Francisco):
“It was awesome! Having a German at the office for a week was a huge success! Since then, my relationship with my co-workers has improved big time! I’ll definitely do it again- It was, like, “oh my god, this is so it!”
Adam, did you REALLY rent a German????? Was it the one in the picture????
Posted 18 March 2005 - 1927 PM
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
"Turd burglar" means something rather different over here. Someone who likes a bit of chocolate on his biscuit. Brown hatter. Fudge packer. etc.
Posted 02 April 2005 - 1751 PM
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
Posted 02 April 2005 - 1752 PM
As a result of their hard work, they had a very successful business, until one day some neighborhood children ran into their backyard and were gobbled up by some man-eating flowers the friars were growing.
The parents of the neighborhood demanded that the friars destroy the plants, but the friars refused.
So the parents got the town's blacksmith, whose name was Hugh, to run the friars out of town.
And the moral of the story is: Hugh, and ONLY Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Posted 02 April 2005 - 1753 PM
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.......
The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these....They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question....The Queen lifts her skirt, drops her panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged..."What, was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down"... "She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
Posted 03 April 2005 - 1057 AM
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
Day number 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOYI A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Excerpts from a Cats Diary
DAY 752- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair.. must try this on their bed.
DAY 766- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.. .Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768-I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774-I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time -
Posted 03 April 2005 - 2046 PM
Man: that's to much, can you do it cheaper?
Dentist: well, without anesthesia I can do it for $75.00.
Man: well, that is still to much?
Dentist: O.K., I can pull it without anesthesia and my Craftsman pliars for $50.00.
Man: Oh, that is still expensive!
Dentist: Look, I can have my fairly new assistant do it without anesthesia, and using
my pliars for $20.00!
Man: O.K., that will be fine, when can I get my wife in
Posted 05 April 2005 - 1524 PM
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of
the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She
spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every
Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the
first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator,
how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed
most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a
plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud
Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come
to select the new name given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of
shit it can no longer fly.
Posted 05 April 2005 - 1525 PM
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number. (NOT the area
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2.
Do you recognize the answer?
Posted 06 April 2005 - 1257 PM
This is no joke. This has been happening to me all the time, me in the role of the guru (not that I'm a guru, just experienced). Serious
Reminds me when of the many times when I was younger I'd try to start a lawn mower, edger, or blower, but to no avail. My dad would step in, give it one yank, and it would start. To make it worse, he'd look at me and say "what's the problem? It works fine!"
Posted 08 April 2005 - 1917 PM
I am sorry your hollyness but every one must be judged before I can let anyone in.
Just then a scruffy little man walks up and St Peter waves him through
What did he do to get into heaven before me asks the pope
he's an (insert city of choice) taxi driver replys St Peter
I am the holliness the head of the catholic church why do you let a taxi driver in before me? ask the pope
Because he has put the fear of god into more people in one day than you did in your entire life replied St Peter.