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#21 NickM

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Posted 13 October 2004 - 0348 AM

Sill: The Exxon Valdez one is fake but a few years back there was a similar case by the Marin County Marin Mammal Center; they had a couple of rehabbed sea lions who were taken out to the Farallones to be released; one was stuck & killed by a great white shark(it was the elephant seal breeding season) & the other made it to shore;
Hans:
I heard a similar joke except it was for Slobodan Milosovich; he was giving a lecture in a Serbian School; just change the names from American to Serbian & Iraq to Croatia, Bosnia, Kosovo, Slovenia & you get the drift!

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#22 APF

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Posted 13 October 2004 - 0959 AM

[url="http://"http://www.cs.rutgers.edu/~watrous/make-penis-fast.html"]No more pills needed[/url]
Might not be considered work save.

Greetings
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#23 Brasidas

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Posted 13 October 2004 - 1040 AM

Originally posted by Ol Paint:
<snip>
His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.  "Sex!  You want sex?!  You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"


Douglas

[url="http://"http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.htm"]http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.htm[/url]

Would have been nice if true though.
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#24 Ol Paint

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Posted 13 October 2004 - 1106 AM

Originally posted by Brasidas:

Originally posted by Ol Paint:
<snip>
His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.  "Sex!  You want sex?!  You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"


Douglas

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.htm

Would have been nice if true though.


Well, I got it off of a joke site, so I didn't even consider whether the story was true. I'll leave it up for the humor.

Douglas
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#25 Guest_aevans_*

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Posted 13 October 2004 - 1134 AM

A novice was trying to fix a broken computer by turning the power off and on.

The resident guru, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong."

The guru turned the machine off and on.

The machine worked.
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#26 Fritz

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Posted 13 October 2004 - 1140 AM

Originally posted by aevans:
A novice was trying to fix a broken computer by turning the power off and on.

The resident guru, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong."

The guru turned the machine off and on.

The machine worked.


This is no joke. This has been happening to me all the time, me in the role of the guru (not that I'm a guru, just experienced). Serious Posted Image
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#27 Coldsteel

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Posted 13 October 2004 - 1458 PM

Originally posted by Ol Paint:
9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:

X Nuclear Weapon


Posted Image
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#28 Ivanhoe

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Posted 14 October 2004 - 0428 AM

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
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#29 Mk 1

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Posted 14 October 2004 - 0819 AM

Found this headline while travelling in the South-West yesterday:

Teacher Arrested  

At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, an FBI spokesperson said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," the spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, one of the arresting officers said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."



-Mark 1
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#30 Adam Peter

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Posted 14 October 2004 - 0902 AM

Originally posted by aevans:
A novice was trying to fix a broken computer by turning the power off and on.


[url="http://"http://catb.org/~esr/jargon/html/koans.html#id3141171"]The original version[/url]

On Windows it usually works...
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#31 Guest_SILL_*

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Posted 18 October 2004 - 1513 PM

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

The teacher asks, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

The boy says, "Well, My mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so that makes me a George Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."
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#32 Brad Edmondson

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Posted 19 October 2004 - 0249 AM

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.



CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.



ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



JAILBREAK

When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.



COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.



OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER

A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER before entering the bathroom.



THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers, typically women, who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.



SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.



TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.



CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.



WATERMELON

A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.



HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.



UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom.
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#33 Zipperhead

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Posted 28 October 2004 - 1351 PM

A pilot on an airplane makes the standard landing announcement to the passengers and resumes his conversation with the co-pilot without tuning off his microphone.

The co-pilot asks;
"What are you going to do on the lay-over."

The pilot responds;
"Well, the first thing I'm going to do is take a sh*t, then I'm going to screw that stewardess with the big boobs."

The stewardess is in the tail section of the aircraft when she hears the conversation broadcast for all to hear and she starts to run toward the cockpit. About half way there she trips on a handbag in the aisle.

As she scrambles to her feet the owner of the bag, a old woman looks at her and says;
"There's no need to rush dear, he said he was going to have a dump first."
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#34 Unreal John

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Posted 28 October 2004 - 1524 PM

Office wall decoration of the month:

"'DEJA MOO': the feeling that you've heard this bulls*** before."
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#35 Mk 1

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Posted 28 October 2004 - 1617 PM

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a
beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the
front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story
and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in
which to sleep.The man thanked the monks and slept
serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful
sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car,
he asked about the sound that had woke him.

"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you
about the sound.You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he
thanked the monks for his kindness and went on his
way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the
source of the alluring sound.

Several years later the man happened to be driving in
the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and
asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he
had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he
might be permitted to spend another night under their
peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with
them again.

Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound.
The following morning he begged the monks to explain the
sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before.
"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound.
You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He
decided to give up everything and become a monk, for
that was the only way he could learn about the sound.
He informed the monks of his decision and began the
long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established
as a true member of the order. When the celebration
ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and
asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently,
the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He
opened the door with a golden key. That door swung
open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third
of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve
doors, each more magnificent than the last.

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he
finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful
mysterious sound he had heard so many years before...

*

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*
But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
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#36 Corinthian

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Posted 16 November 2004 - 0242 AM

Wifey (on phone): "Honey, I have good news and bad news."

Husband: "Just give me the good news dear. I'm in a meeting."

Wifey: "Okay. The airbags of our brand new BMW works."
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#37 Paul F Jungnitsch

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Posted 29 November 2004 - 0615 AM

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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#38 Mk 1

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Posted 29 November 2004 - 1350 PM

Originally posted by Paul F Jungnitsch:
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


Let me guess... the blind guys name was "Sherman", and the black belt's name was "Tiger", right?

-Mark 1
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#39 Paul F Jungnitsch

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Posted 29 November 2004 - 1747 PM

Originally posted by Mk 1:
Let me guess... the blind guys name was "Sherman", and the black belt's name was "Tiger", right?-Mark 1


Always ragging on the Sherman, you. It's a fine tank, and one day you will have to admit that.
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#40 toysoldier

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Posted 30 November 2004 - 0220 AM

Originally posted by TomasCTT:
Wifey (on phone): "Honey, I have good news and bad news."

Husband: "Just give me the good news dear.  I'm in a meeting."

Wifey: "Okay.  The airbags of our brand new BMW works."


i heard a version of it that goes

Wifey (on phone): "Honey, I have good news and bad news."

Husband: "Just give me the good news dear. I'm in a meeting."

Wifey: "Okay. Am not frigid."
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